Life is hard. I know you know that. But I have just felt like it's been beating me to death lately. I've been extremely aware of my selfish nature lately.... with the girls, with Marc, with every thing it seems!
We've got several sets of friends who are struggling deeply. My heart hurts for them. Marriages on the verge of ending. And this makes me take stock of our own. I think we would all agree that there are different seasons in marriage and it's good every once in a while to look at your own and see where you can make improvements.
But most of you who know me, know that if something is meant to warn you, it will absolutely eat me alive! Instead of taking a healthy look at things, I freak out. I worry. I obsess. Then I get depressed. Not a good cycle.
Back up a few weeks and you will see that we were getting into the routine of life back in the UK. It's hard being 7 months with family and friends and then suddenly it's over. The girls were grumpy, which made me grumpy, etc. School got us back into routine and that was a good distraction for us all. It also made the girls tired and cranky and so the past few weeks have been hard discipline wise to deal with. I mean life with three little girls is tough, amen? It just seems like it's one thing after another during these young years- there is no "off" switch to parenting is there? This naturally led to me feeling like I was the biggest grump of a mom on the planet. I would lose my temper, raise my voice and just generally feel like I could do nothing right. My house got out of order very quickly after putting it back in order once we got here and that annoyed me to no end. I'm probably OCD when it comes to a clean house and I'm learning to let go of some of that at this stage of life. Add this to the fact that I'm feeling bad about my lack of exercise, lack of consistent time in the Word and I was a mess.
Anyway, all of this combined has made me fearful that we might not survive the raising kids years. Would Marc and I still have a good marriage in a few years? Would we survive this thing? Surely I'm not the only one who has thought these things?? I'm doing my best to get up each morning before the girls (that's the way it works best for me) so I can be alone in a quiet house and read my Bible before the day comes rushing in. I'm trying hard to exercise (walk everywhere I go now) and lose this weight. I'm trying hard to chill out about the house work.
I'm trying, trying, trying. But somedays I wonder if that's good enough. I find great comfort in these verses:
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3
Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders. Deuteronomy 33:12
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us! We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:9-10
I'm not really sure how to end this blog post, but just felt that I needed to share why the blog has been so quiet lately. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite so I will not pretend things are peachy when they are not. But I also don't want to be Debbie Downer- which quite frankly is what I can be without much effort at all. :) Marc and I have had a good chat about all of this on Friday night and I chatted to my mom last night. It just boils down to this: I want to be found faithful. I want to love my family well and I need Jesus to help me, especially on the days that it does not come easily.
This is just me, being honest.
8 comments:
I am SO proud of you. I love you so much! I love your honesty, your faithfulness and your love for Jesus. For all those months you were home, I LOVED watching you and Marc with the girls. Your Dad and I talked often about what wonderful parents you are. I wish I had been as good as mother to you as you are to your precious little girls!! And that's the truth!. God is faithful. He is always present and is never surprised by anything we do or go through. You are in His grip, He doesn't let go.
Parenting young kids is hard. I think it's harder for some of us than others, or maybe those others just put on a really good front. But the constant day-in-day-out without an actual BREAK can certainly make you feel like you're just a hamster running in a wheel.
Add in a giant move and culture shock and being far away from your family, and you've got quite a lot of stress and responsibility on your plate.
Don't forget to take time for yourself. Even if it's just an hour and a half every evening to exercise or read or do some crafting, it will make a huge difference in your overall well-being. I have that time when my kids are in school, but since you still have a little one, you might need Marc to take over after dinner or something.
Love you girl, and I hope you can feel more on top of the world soon!
Having come through the whole young mother thing myself there is one thing I really wish I could go back and say to the younger me -'please be kinder to yourself'. Your post reminds me of all the things I used to beat myself up about. Please be kinder to yourself too. You are doing one of the hardest jobs there is - being a mum and you are obviously doing a fab job.
Take care
Christine
Charity,
Your make me smile...I love that you are willing to be transparent and real. I never told you how much I admire your willingness to step out. The night that the 3 of us girls went to dinner and you asked me what I needed. You were sincere, honest and not afraid to bring the Word to me. The one thing that I do know right now is that God is able. If someone would have told me 3 months ago that I would be finding a new love for my husband and my God I would have not believed them. We can do everything in our power to be and do all that we think we should and yet God is able to immeasureably more. Keep doing what you know to do...love Jesus, love and serve Marc, love your girls and show them Christ and God will go from there. You are a blessing to me my friend.
You did a great job of articulating what's been going on in my head and heart for the last month. The circumstances are different but the feelings of being overwhelmed are the same. Thank you for writing this and know that you are not the only one who feels and thinks this way at times. :)
Charity, I can relate to this so much. I was alone with my kids all weekend and it was tough. I kept wondering how Curtis did it so happily the weekend before. He must be a better parent than me! I yelled at my son more times than I want to admit.
God is shaping our character as we work to shape our children. I look at the serenity of older women and I think part of the spiritual beauty they have must have been crafted during these years.
Your honesty is awesome. I really admire - and appreciate - it.
Charity, I just went through this awful almost depressed slump not too long ago and I blogged about it. When I didn't blog it was okay, because it drew my focus back to the Lord. You don't need to explain yourself to us, just worry about pleasing the Lord and magnifying HIM in your marriage and family. I love you and I KNOW exactly how you feel! I am praying for you and think of you daily.
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